The Life of a Vampire
by Squijim
Summary: This is about a vampire, though none from Buffy. Just a bunch of short journal/thought entries made by one particular vampire who has everything go wrong in his unlife. FUNNY.
1. The Life of a Vampire 1

The Life of a Vampire  
Born 2049 B.C. Death. Woke up, dark in coffin. Scary people with sharp  
teeth. Suck blood to stay alive. Light bad, no sunburn! Fly through night,  
hit window. Sparkling water bad, two sticks crossed burn! PAIN!  
Turn into little furry creature, fly through night, hit window shield. MORE  
PAIN! Recover from coma, feel dizzy. Try to fly home, wing broken, may be  
lost forever. Sun coming up! INTENSE PAIN! Burning all over! AHHHHHHH!  
Woke up in coffin, still dark. Realize it was all bad dream. Strong urge  
for blood.  
  
The End. 


	2. The Life of a Vampire 2

The Life of a Vampire #2  
  
Walked out of tomb, saw woman standing there. Went to say hi, slapped me in  
the face. PAIN! Scary people with sharp teeth laugh. Feel stupid. Wonder if  
possible to kill self after death?  
Hungry, crave blood. Lady come back!  
Lady gone, found disgusting looking rodent instead. Ate anyway, tasted like  
moldy cheese. See funny spots. Not feel too good. Look for trash can. CURSE  
RODENT! Scary people with sharp teeth laugh even harder. Must find wooden  
stake to kill self. Embarrassment too much.  
Walk away to quiet place to hide from scary people with sharp teeth. Sat  
down on ground to sulk. Could not cry. DAMN!  
Feel strange burning. Look down on ground. Grave..been blessed! PAIN! Jump  
up, run away. Stop. Look down. Pants burned. DAMN!  
  
The End. 


	3. The Life of a Vampire 3

The Life of a Vampire #3  
  
Sat on coffin, looking at pants. Need to find needle and thread to sew back  
together. Can't find any. Walk to store to buy some. People run, and  
scream. Feel confused. Why do they scream? Try to look at reflection in  
window. Maybe funny thing on face. No reflection..Damn! Walk to counter.  
Put down needle and thread. Man pee pants. Turn white. Fall down. Shrug.  
Take needle and thread back to tomb. Start to sew. Forgot to get thimble.  
Damn! PAIN! Get frustrated. Throw pants away. Start on boxers. Was  
successful! Scary people with sharp teeth laugh at me. Look down. Why are  
there red hearts on my boxers?  
The end. 


	4. The Life of a Vampire 4

The Life of a Vampire #4  
  
Legs cold. Wish I wouldn't have thrown pants away. Holes not so bad. dig  
through trash can. Can't find pants. Trash can empty. Stinky garbage  
smelling man must have stolen them. Damn!  
Stole pair of pants from scary people with sharp teeth.  
Scary people with sharp teeth get mad. Chase me with hammer. Run and hide  
in coffin. Hear funny pounding.  
  
The End. 


	5. The Life of a Vampire 5

The Life of a Vampire #5  
  
See teenage girl. Walk up to say hello. Scream. Spray me with funny smelling stiff. Burn eyes. PAIN! Stagger back. Blind. Run into really tall furry thing with hooves. Turn around. See man in blue with shinny badge. Sits on big furry thing. Want to file compliant about dangerous spray girl. Big furry thing with hooves start eating my hair. Pulling very hard. Ripping hair out! PAIN! Hit big furry thing with hooves. Then run away. Man in blue with badge seems angry at me for hitting big furry thing with hooves.  
  
Hide in dark. Scary people with sharp teeth laugh. Wonder why. Feel back of head. Hair missing. Damn!  
  
The End. 


	6. The Life of a Vampire 6

The Life of a Vampire #6  
  
Sat up straight in coffin. Hear loud honking noise. Loud squeak of  
something. Jerk head to right. Nothing there. Jerk head to left. Nothing.  
Climb out of coffin. Walk around to back. Nothing. Scary people with sharp  
teeth yell at me. Tell me to find out what makes honking noise.  
Open up tomb door. Scan yard. See funny looking man standing there. White  
face. Big red nose and poofy hair. Richard Simmons? No. Not girlie enough.  
Honk loud horn in face. Then laugh. Get mad. Tell to shut up. Strange man  
keeps honking anyway. Get madder. Break strange man's arm and punch in  
face. Laugh to self. Close door. Go back inside. Won't be honking anymore.  
  
The End. 


End file.
